*Me Too*

I heard a poet once say you become a poet when you start speaking the truth. I believe this is so true because all my favorite poets speak the truth. No matter how hard or how incompatible or even judgemental they speak the truth. I remember a few years back going to a poetry writing class and seeing this young lady burst into tears speaking of being molested as a child. It was a very uncomfortable feeling seeing her cry knowing that I could relate. I just seat back and thought to myself true healing comes from releasing and speaking the truth. And I thought even back than I wouldnt tell my story. Now that I am in my 30s and more fearless than ever I have to speak. Seeing so many woman on social media share their me too story also inspired me to speak. 

Trust me anybody that has dealt with any form of sexual assault it is hard for them to speak
  out, they often think what if people don't believe me or in my case I might lose a lot of family members. As the person I was molested by was my female older cousin. I was around the age of 5 years old, and she was around 11 years older than me. This was a form of child on child molestation. 

Even though I was a young child I remember...a child still remembers. I remember going to her house with my mom and she asked me to go upstairs amd play. In the beginning we began playing this penny game. And the next thing you know I was being molested under her bed. At that age of course I didnt know what the fuck was going on. I just layed there and afterwards she said don't tell anybody. 

Afterwards, we came downstairs I remember my mom asking me "what where yall doing upstair?" I remember my responds was "playing." I didnt know at that moment that responds would hunt me for the rest of my life. The second incident happened when we sleep in the same bed one night and she touched me. At the time I was thinking in my head....why are you doing this to me. I was afraid and didnt know what to do. 

Besides those two times I can't recall anything else sexually that happened. The last incident was all based on fear. One day while in her room she told me if I told anyone what happened she would KILL me. She held a steak knife with s green handle to my wrist. And she tried to suffocate me with a pillow. I was gasping for air in total fear. I am still catastrophic to this day because of it!

I grew up most of my life in foster care and living with family memebers. My mom use to ask me all the time, if anybody touch you than you let me know. However, I never did at the time because of FEAR. If I could turn back the hands of time I would of said something. I would of told her everything but now I speak. Over 25 years later I have found my voice. I dont care what people say or if they refuse to talk to me because of it. I know the truth and I stand by the truth.

I honestly havent talked to my cousin yet. However, when I do I will tell her I forgive her but I will never forget what she did. Also, as an adult I have come to realise that I know the same thing had to happen to her. There is no way a child her age would think to do something like that. 

As adults we are pretty close cousins. This might change after I say something to her, because if she denies it an anyway I will never speak to her again. 

Now that I am speaking I hope my voice is heard. And people realize sometimes sexual abuse can happen in many forms. Child on child and even same sex family members. This happens more than it should. I know my mom had been molested as a child too. And my older brother came close to it happening to him. And I know my younger brother did too. 

At the end of the day, this world is crazy. Just because you think you know somebody you really don't know them. If you have children be veryyyyyyyy picky as to who you let watch them. If you have two children playing tell them to keep the doors open. And check on them periodically! Although you can never protect your child from everything, it's good to take precaution. 

I never thought in a million years I would open up this much in a blog. This a natural place that I can release and let it all out. My post can drastically change but this all to help everyone out there. We all may be struggling with different forms of live's curve balls. No matter what they may be just speak! And stand for what you believe in. And seek professional help is a great idea too. 

I am still healing, I am still loving myself. And I am still standing true to myself as well.

*52 Savings Challenge*

The 52 week savings challenge is an awesome way to save money. I started on my journey around April of this year. And I plan to finish by Nov 3rd of this year. I keep my chart on my refrigerator to keep me motivated daily. Once I complete a week I highlight it from the list. And I also keep track of how much money I have all together. I keep a screenshot on my phone letting me know how much more I need. And sometimes if I know more money is coming I despoit more money in my account. That is the reason why it won't take me a full 52 weeks. Also, I opened an high yield savings account. That way I could make interest off of my money. Instead of having it in a big bank. Next, I added all my CC interest credits to my savings as well. That helped me a lot as well. 

The last thing and most important is to cut out unnessary spending. My biggest ones were eating out. I cook my meals at home now. If you write out your budget and stick to it that will help. I can talk about budgeting later. 

Saving is fun you just have to stay motivated, and know your end goal. I keep myself focused on my savings goals because a smart woman is a financial savy woman. Yes, I had to turn down several trips this year but my main goal was bigger than traveling. Once you have a goal you stick with it like I said. And now come Nov I will have extra funds in my account😁 💰.