Trust me anybody that has dealt with any form of sexual assault it is hard for them to speak
out, they often think what if people don't believe me or in my case I might lose a lot of family members. As the person I was molested by was my female older cousin. I was around the age of 5 years old, and she was around 11 years older than me. This was a form of child on child molestation.
Even though I was a young child I remember...a child still remembers. I remember going to her house with my mom and she asked me to go upstairs amd play. In the beginning we began playing this penny game. And the next thing you know I was being molested under her bed. At that age of course I didnt know what the fuck was going on. I just layed there and afterwards she said don't tell anybody.
Afterwards, we came downstairs I remember my mom asking me "what where yall doing upstair?" I remember my responds was "playing." I didnt know at that moment that responds would hunt me for the rest of my life. The second incident happened when we sleep in the same bed one night and she touched me. At the time I was thinking in my head....why are you doing this to me. I was afraid and didnt know what to do.
Besides those two times I can't recall anything else sexually that happened. The last incident was all based on fear. One day while in her room she told me if I told anyone what happened she would KILL me. She held a steak knife with s green handle to my wrist. And she tried to suffocate me with a pillow. I was gasping for air in total fear. I am still catastrophic to this day because of it!
I grew up most of my life in foster care and living with family memebers. My mom use to ask me all the time, if anybody touch you than you let me know. However, I never did at the time because of FEAR. If I could turn back the hands of time I would of said something. I would of told her everything but now I speak. Over 25 years later I have found my voice. I dont care what people say or if they refuse to talk to me because of it. I know the truth and I stand by the truth.
I honestly havent talked to my cousin yet. However, when I do I will tell her I forgive her but I will never forget what she did. Also, as an adult I have come to realise that I know the same thing had to happen to her. There is no way a child her age would think to do something like that.
As adults we are pretty close cousins. This might change after I say something to her, because if she denies it an anyway I will never speak to her again.
Now that I am speaking I hope my voice is heard. And people realize sometimes sexual abuse can happen in many forms. Child on child and even same sex family members. This happens more than it should. I know my mom had been molested as a child too. And my older brother came close to it happening to him. And I know my younger brother did too.
At the end of the day, this world is crazy. Just because you think you know somebody you really don't know them. If you have children be veryyyyyyyy picky as to who you let watch them. If you have two children playing tell them to keep the doors open. And check on them periodically! Although you can never protect your child from everything, it's good to take precaution.
I never thought in a million years I would open up this much in a blog. This a natural place that I can release and let it all out. My post can drastically change but this all to help everyone out there. We all may be struggling with different forms of live's curve balls. No matter what they may be just speak! And stand for what you believe in. And seek professional help is a great idea too.
I am still healing, I am still loving myself. And I am still standing true to myself as well.
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