Friday, October 20, 2017

*Me Too*

I heard a poet once say you become a poet when you start speaking the truth. I believe this is do true because all my favorite poets speak the truth. No matter how hard or how incompatible or even judgemental they speak the truth. I remember a few years back going to a poetry writing class and see this young lady burst into tears speaking of being molested as a child. It was a very comfortable feeling seeing her cry knowing that I could relate. I just seat back and thought to myself true healing comes from releasing and speaking the truth. And I thought even back than I wouldnt tell my story. Now that I am in my 30s and more fearless than ever I have to speak. Seeing so many woman on social media share their me too story also inspired me to speak. 

Trust me anybody that has dealt with and form of sexual assault it is hard for them to speak
 Hou often think what if people don't believe me or in my case I might lose a lot of family members. As the person I was molested by was a female cousin of mine. I was around the age of 5/6 years old, and she was around 10/11 years older than me. This was a form of child on child molestation. 

Even though I was a young child I remember...a child still remembers. I remember going to her house with my mom and she asked me to go upstairs amd play. In the beginning she began play this penny game. And the next thing you know I was being molested under her bed. At that age of course I didnt know what the fuck was going on. I just layed there and afterwards she said dont tell anybody. 

After we came downstair I remember my mom asking me "what where yall doing upstair?" I remember I responding  "playing." I didnt know at that moment that responds would hunt me for the rest of my life. The second incident happened when we sleep in the same bed one night and she touched me. At the time I was thinking in my head....why are you doing this to me. I was afraid and didnt know what to do. 

Besides those two times I can't recall anything else sexually that happened. The last incident was all based on fear. One day while in her room she told me if I told anyone what happened she would KILL me. She held a steak knife with s green handle to my wrist. And she tried suffocate me with a pillow. I was gasping for air in total fear. I am still catastrophic to this day because of it. 

I grew up most of my life in foster care and living with family memebers. My mom use to ask me all the time, if anybody touch you thsn you let me know. However, I never did at the time because of FEAR. If I could turn back the hands of time I would of said something. I would of told her everything but now I speak. Over 25 years later I found my voice. I dont care what people say or if they refuse to talk to me because of it. I know the truth and I stand by the truth.

I honestly havent talked to my cousin yet. However, when I do I will tell her I forgive her but I will never forget what she did. Also, as an adult I have come to realise that I know the same thing had to happen to her. There is no way a child her age would think to do something like that. 

As adults we are pretty close cousins. This might change after I say something to her, because if she denies it an anyway I will never speak to her again. 

Now that I am speaking I hope my voice is heard. And people realize sometimes sexual abuse can happen in many forms. Child on child and even same sex family members. This happens more than it should. I know my mom had been molested as a child. And one brother came close to it happening to him. And I know my younger brother did too. 

At the end of the day, this world is crazy. Just because you think you somebody you really dont know them. If you have children be veryyyyyyyy picky as to who you let watch them. If you have two children playing tell them to keep the door open. And check on them periodically! Although you can never protect your child from everything, it's good to take precaution. 

I never thought in a million years I would open up this much in a blog. This a nature place that I can release and let it all out. My post can drastically change but this all to help everyone out there. We all may be struggling with different forms of life curve balls. No matter what they may be just speak! And stand for what you believe in. And seek professional help is a great idea too. 

I am still healing, I am still loving myself. And I am still standing true to myself as well.

Until next time stay sweet my Candycanes 🍬

Monday, October 16, 2017

*52 Savings Challenge*

The 52 week savings challenge is an awesome way to save money. I started on my journey around April of this year. And I plan to finish by Nov 3rd of this year. I keep my chart on my refrigerator to keep me motivated daily. Once I complete a week I highlight it from the list. And I also keep track of how much money I have all together. I keep a screenshot on my phone letting me know how much more I need. And sometimes if I know more money is coming I despoit more money in my account. That is the reason why it won't take me a full 52 weeks. Also, I opened an high yield savings account. That way I could make interest off of my money. Instead of having it in a big bank. Next, I added all my CC interest credits to my savings as well. That helped me a lot as well. 

The last thing and most important is to cut out unnessary spending. My biggest ones were eating out. I cook my meals at home now. If you write out your budget and stick to it that will help. I can talk about budgeting later. 

Saving is fun you just have to stay motivated, and know your end goal. I keep myself focused on my savings goals because a smart woman is a financial savy woman. Yes, I had to turn down several trips this year but my main goal was bigger than traveling. Once you have a goal you stick with it like I said. And now come Nov I will have an extra funds in my account😁 💰. 






Friday, August 18, 2017

*My Niecey Pooh*

My niece is pretty, funny, and adventurous. I love her to the moon and back!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

*Acting Background Extra*

It's so much fun being on set as an extra. It takes a lot of hard work being on your feet four 16 hours. We only had a 30min lunch break. It was so worth it to me though. I had a fitting for this movie because it was 80s time frame. We had make up artist and hair stylist how cool. I was in two scenes for this movie like I was my last time. This one I had to travel to in Cleveland Oh in May of this year. They're coming up in the entertainment world Cleveland rocks lol. I can't wait to do more movies and acting period. This is one of my passions that I love so much. Whatever you want to do in life do it, follow your dreams. This movie is entitled White Boy Rich. It's based on a true story. It's gonna be a really good movie. The director was very creative and he was amazing to work with. After we finished shooting I said thank you so much, he said oh you are welcome sweetheart😀. 

Knowing who you are will make you happier in life. You're happy when you do stuff you love. I love acting and I will continue to act. I know there are other passions that I love too. This is just one of them. If you love acting you can start with being an extra. It will give you experience being on set. It will show you that this is hard work. Find a casting agency, talent manager, and find free resouces like youtube or blogs. It will get you in the right steps to acting. Hopefully, this will help someone😀




Friday, August 4, 2017

*Confirmation*

Yesterday, I was all over the place. Today I log onto pinterest and see this quote. This is the confirmation I needed. It's funny how God works😄😃. I'm here because I am strong, and I have survived many obstacles. Nothing or no one will hold me back. Adios👋

Thursday, August 3, 2017

*Feeling Behind*

I think I gonna start blogging more. I just have random thoughts in my head I need to release. I am in a place in my life were I feel like I need to grow. Right now I feel so behind, and not behind like I am comparing lives. It's more of think I thought about and said I want to do and nothing else happened. I feel so overwhelmed and scattered brain just thing about it. I know I need to be more focused and get my shit together. What is really holding me back? Time doesn't wait for no one. Why am I still here? Who am I? And what legacy do I plan to leave for myself? I adk myself a million questions all the time. What is really holding me back? I can only hold myself back. Fear is only false evidence appearing real.

I need to get my finances in order...I am almost there 4 loans left

I need to get my health in check. Schedule all my appointments and exercise daily. Eat clean healthy foods for energy and vitality.

I need to keep my mental health together by writing, saying no when needed, not over whelming myself, and staying away from negative people.

I need to fight for my dreams. They are nothing to play with. I have to be serious and honest with myself. I need clarity to find out who I really am.

I need to heal from the past. Past tramas with sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.

I need to rebuild my confidence and self esteem on a daily basics.

I need to speak and say hello and give compliments to others.

I need to enjoy my feminine energy.

I need to love more and hate less.

I need to understand everything happens for a reason.

I need to be REAL with myself (Mask Off). Enjoy myself to the fullest. I need to realize I in have one life to live.

I need to open up for live.

I need to watch old movies and laugh.

I need to be more adventurous.

I need more challenging friends.

I know I opened up a lot here. I just have to be more real and be myself in this fake world. I have gone through some challenging stages of my life. I dont want anything holding my back or causing me fear. I want to live freely and know why God put me here on this earth. I guestion a lot of thing and sometimes I dont need to. It makes the process even harder. I can over think something and get pushed back in my goals. So this post is more of a reminder for my mself to stay on course until complete. This was a whole lot to get of my chest, it's one of those day where I cant stop thinking. Everything has to come all out. Just understand your thoughts and words have power. Speak postive vibrations to your desires, and I will do the same. The universe is listening🌎! Im might be behind but watch me catch up.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

~Me Day~

  • Full body massage 💆
  • One hour yoga
  • Hot bath with essential oils
  • At home facial
  • Buy something special (assorted roses) for me 🌹
  • Drink spa water
  • Call off work
  • At home manicure
  • Watch a movie (Claudine & Dorothy Dandridge) for me
  • Eat a good meal (I had pizza)
  • Stay off social media
  • Limit the use of your phone
  • Clean your home
  • Light some scented candles 
  • Enjoy yourself and love yourself
  • Continue as offend as you can...my day is almost over. When I need peace I will be reminded of this day💞
  • Love yourself or nobody else will!

Monday, February 6, 2017

*Dr. Angela Davis Black History Month*

Last week I was honored to hear Dr. angela Davis speak at OSU. It was such a beautiful moment to see her smile. I snapped this picture right after her speech and I shook her hand and said thank you! Well it was more like a few fingers because she had her hands full. 

One thing she emphasized in her speech was the Black Woman. She spoke about how we are leaders and sometimes get over looked, and underappreciated. She made all the men stand up in the audience to acknowledge us. She also talked about the change in our political climate in the U.S. currently. She addressed the things we needed to change and the love we need for one another. Also, she read MLK's last speeches/interview she recited. We alway learned about the "I have a dream" speech and nothing else in school. However, MLK was far more intense before his demise. 

All in all it was a great experience! One that will impact my life forever. It's not everyday that you meet a living Legend. 

Thank you Angela for everything, you're indeed a phenomenal Black woman!

Thursday, January 5, 2017

* MY NEW YEAR QUOTE*

I finally remember my New Year quote...."The year of big change." This year is a feel is going to be a major shift in my life. I can't really tell how it will unfold but it will. It will because I declare and will and I believe it will. My mindset has completely change and that is helping me to grow. I don't dwell on the negative thoughts nor things. They tend to cause the body too much stress and anxiety. I know the main things I want out of life is good health. I think that is something that a lot of folks tend to forget. They let relationships, jobs, and things they can't control get in the way of their happiness. 

I'm feel I can speak on this because I am dealing with an issue now. My current place of employment is very stressful. I current have my 2 week notice saved on my desktop. I heard this quote " unemployment is better than a stressful job." And I immediate agreed with that quote when I read it. And I think that is the reason why many millennials are creating their own jobs. It just makes more sense to do something you love more than something you hate. I've been at my job for a few years now. And part of my big change is going to start from there. I refuse to be in a place that doesnt meet my needs. I refused to have someone else dictate my life. I refuse to be treated less than I am worth. If that means starting over so be it!

There will be challenges along the way and I will accept that. I plan on moving out of state too. I had a timeframe set but sometimes the timing can't be planned. Sometimes things come or go sooner than expected. So many big things and challenges to unfold this year but I am ready. I am ready for my wings...I am totally ready to grow. 2017 I will be turning a new leaf....watch me grow 🍀🍀